February is “Relinquishment”

Relinquishment is basically the act of sacrificing something, giving up or abandoning a struggle, task, etc.

During this month’s theme, I could go “light” or I could go “deep”. I am not going to make a decision on which route I will take just yet.

What I will do is start by making a short list of the things I have given up, to use as prompts in my journal and then share a few on a less detailed level.

We have all relinquished things, consciously or unconsciously.

What is one of the first things that pops into your mind?

January’s “Order”

Remember this post?

Well, I started a separate blog space just for this project and forgot about posting here.

Oh well! The new plan will be to post the outcome of my month by the end of each month on this space (for accountability 🙂 ).

So, my January theme was “Order”.

In general, having “Order” in my life has been a “thing” for me for the longest time.

Like really…a “thing” type of thing. Like a semi-obsession.

Even when I was younger, before doing my homework at the kitchen table, I had no choice but to CLEAN the entire area around me so that nothing unsightly or cluttered was within my view. Otherwise, I couldn’t concentrate. Kind of weird but totally true.

I’m not sure what kind of quirk it is but one thing is for sure – putting “order” to the things around me by organizing and decluttering reduces my anxiety, something I realized about myself later in life.

Order makes me feel oh-so-calm and lets me mentally disconnect, only think about the task at hand and make the end result look “pretty”. That same type of zen feeling I get when I (used to) putter around the garden, weeding, deadheading flowers and planting veggies.

So starting with “Order” for January was a no-brainer.

During the month, my only issues were with:

  1. pacing myself between work and other responsibilities; and
  2. not getting stuck on fixing just one physical environment.

To make myself feel like a success and since it was a shiny new year, I started very small with the bathroom by thoroughly cleaning and then finally hanging my beach-motif shower curtain.

With no upcoming travel plans, I emptied my vanity drawers and repurposed my travel shoe organizer for all-things-toiletries. Now everything is in sight AND I gained extra space.

By that point, I was feeling like a winner and decided that “order” should include tossing a few items that no longer served me (or actually function), like my stereo from the early 1990s . It was way past its last leg and only around due to sentimentality. 🙂

For the last 15 years or so, I’m much more in the “don’t leave it for someone else to toss out” mindframe but truth be told, I’ve been into the “Swedish Death Cleaning” thing long before Marie Kondo became popular.

I forgot to take “before” pictures but the most time-consuming “Order” involved changes that I am loving…

I sold the diningroom table (the days of large gatherings are over) and moved one of my work desks into the area. The sometimes claustrophic feeling during a work day is now GONE and the lighting is much better on these old eyes of mine.

The office / guest / treadmill room is mainly an exercise room now so no excuses on not walking and stretching!

And I started a “family filing system”.

By purchasing some filing containers, file folders and hanging file folders, each family member now has an assigned box. EVERYTHING has been going in there – medical, tax, important receipts, bills – you name it, there is a file for it now.

I take care of a lot of things for a lot of loved ones and since my father passed, my brain can no longer do the gymnastics it used to.

So, call me ol’ school but there is nothing like a “physical” filing system that anyone can access if something where to happen to me.

This project alone will make things so much easier when it comes time to prepare tax returns.

So what didn’t I put “order” to in January?

Things like tossing pots and pans and purging my wardrobe will take me WAY beyond January but I may sneak it into the February theme.

All in all, now that the physical space around me feels SUPER LIGHT, February’s theme doesn’t seem as daunting.

What did you accomplish during January?

M xoxo

There is no way in hell…

There is no way in hell that anyone could ever convince me that those five officers were good, kind, and decent human beings in their everyday lives.

No. Way. In. Hell.

That kind of hate and cruelty comes from a deep and evil place.

And then to exhibit such nonchalant behaviours while a young man’s soul slips away due to their actions?

These are the times that I truly wish that karma exists.

It’s been almost a year and I still haven’t cried…

It’s been almost a year and I still haven’t cried.

Like REALLY REALLY cried.

The kind of BIG cry that could maybe, just maybe, make that sick feeling in my chest and the burning knot in my stomach disappear for a little while, especially when my thoughts wander to the pain he was in and how cachectic he was quickly becoming but that my eyes refused to acknowledge.

I feel anxious more often than not.

The kind of anxious feeling that I am having right now as I type this, remembering that exactly one year ago today, it was the beginning of his last decline.

A decline that would come to its final conclusion on January 22 as we all held his hand, told him that we loved him, thanked him for being a great Dad and that it was okay for him to go.

I feel anxious thinking about how we echoed each other’s “We love you” until his very last breath left his body.

It’s been almost a year and I still haven’t cried and I’m truly starting to think that something is fundamentally wrong with me.

Or am I so beyond broken that I simply can’t cry?

“Two Can Play That Game” – Part 2

Note: For Part 1, you will need to scroll back though the past few posts because I am too lazy to pingback. I had only planned on posting Part 1 as a one-off but quite a few of you DM’ed me so here I am posting the old original Part 2 because sometimes it’s hard for me to say no. LOL

-Part 2-

“Hey! This place is pretty crowded. Would you mind if I sit with you?”

She graced me with the warmest of warm dark brown eyes and her smile could have lit up the entire coffee shop.

“Be my guest. But you might regret it…”

She motioned for me to sit and I promptly accepted.

“With a smile that beautiful, regret would be impossible.”

I expected her to avert her eyes shyly or at least blush at my compliment but I got neither. She didn’t even flinched.

I watched as she smoothed out the crinkles out of the newspaper before folding it neatly into four. As she did, she continued smiling and her eyes never left mine.

“So tell me, why would I regret sitting with you?”

“Well, I’m not that much of a conversationalist this early in the morning. And those girls over there seemed more than ready and willing to entertain a good-looking guy like you.”

She gestured behind me and when I turned, the three women were looking in our direction.

I couldn’t help but chuckle. I was impressed that she had observed that subtle exchange because it meant that she had been looking at me. Then, there was the fact that she had called me “good-looking”. Things were looking up so I cranked up the charm.

“So…you’ve been watching me? I’m flattered.”

“No, I wasn’t watching you. Let’s just say that I’m very aware of my surroundings and the people around me.”

She grinned and slipped the newspaper into her bag.

I laughed at how she skillfully skirted around my shameless flirtation.

“Being someone so observant, maybe you should be a cop.”

“Who says that I’m not?”

I leaned in towards her across the table and whispered, “You’re too pretty to be a cop.”

She leaned in to match my action and whispered back, “That’s a bit of a sexist thing to say and a little insulting to all the female police officers in the world. Maybe…I’m very aware of my surroundings because I’m…a psychic.”

There was a long quiet moment as we simply looked at each other. This was getting more and more interesting by the second. I was enjoying this little banter between us, chatting like we already knew each other. At this rate and if I wasn’t careful, I would quickly go from being early for work to being late.

I studied her pretty face and wondered how her skin could look so smooth when she seemed to have absolutely no make-up on.  Her “Au Naturelle” T-shirt was definitely on point. There was a sense of familiarity about her which was a bit odd because we had just met.

“A psychic, you say? Okay then, “read” me. Tell me all about me.”

She took a long sip from her coffee mug. I, on the other hand, had completely forgotten that I’d even bought myself a coffee. I took a quick swig of mine and waited for her volley back. She outstretched her hand and showed me her palm. I frowned, a little confused.

“What? What are you doing?”

She wiggled the fingers of her outstretched hand.

“Give me your hand. I’ll give you a “reading”.

I laughed again as I gave her my hand.

“How much will it cost me?”

I had started this game and she wasn’t afraid to play. I was already hooked on her.

“Not one penny.”

Her hand was smooth and soft as she slid her palm across mine. When she simply held it in hers, I no longer cared about being late for work.

“Okay Ms. Psychic?” I teased, “Tell me about my future because I could definitely see you in it.”

[Should I repost the original Part 3?]

©2016 Marquessa Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

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Goals, not resolutions

I LOVE reading all of the January 1st posts of my fellow online friends talking about their new year resolutions, what they will and what they will not do in this fresh new year.

I used to be someone who had a lofty list of resolutions that would start on January 1st and fail miserably long before February 1.

For a while now, I don’t really do resolutions anymore because the moment I get off course, I end up feeling like a failure and I don’t need that kind of self-negativity in my life.

Over the past few years, my mindset have shifted to “goals”.

What’s the difference between resolutions and goals? Here is an article I found online about that.

One of my yearly goals is always to do more writing and to continue being the best I can be for those I love around me.

Now, I am adding on an additional goal of better balancing the various parts of my life by journaling for the next 12 months on different monthly themes (like I posted about here).

No fuss, no muss, no stress.

At the start of every month, I’ll brainstorm at least 4 specific actions items to tackle 1 per week and I am looking forward to it as I already started in December on my first theme which is “Order“.

My plan is to share with you here and there as I go.

Are you doing resolutions, goals or anything else for this new 2023?

Bisous,

M

“New Year’s Eve In A New York State of Style”

New Year Illustration GIF by Anna

“It’s amazing to reconnect like this after all these years.”

The four of us are sitting in a corner booth of a popular bistrot in New York City on New Year’s Eve. Only someone like me could bypass this trendy bistrot’s long waiting list with a simple phone call for a last-minute reservation.

The place is beautifully decorated with Christmas lights and the sounds of sweet holiday season jazz fills the air. The din of forks against expensive dinner plates keep time with the clinking of champagne flutes and the laughter of expensively dressed patrons.

Mariah extends her hand across the dinner table and places it on mine. She still has those perfect dimples that all the boys used to adore.

I return her smile, lean in and place my other hand on top of hers.

“Yes, it is.”

Maybe for you.

Mariah turns to her fiancé.

“Rob, you know that we were best friends all throughout high school, right? We were like sisters.”

I feel Robert’s eyes roam from my face down to my cleavage in my low cut dress. His eyes linger a little too long on my breasts and then his eyes lock into mine.

“Why did the two of you lose touch?” My Mr. Right Now asks through a mouthful of gnocchi so cheesy that he’s got some on his chin. I’m a little disgusted but not enough to tell him.

Before I can think about answering, Mariah interrupts with slightly alarmed eyes.

“Oh, you know. Life gets busy and time flies.” Mariah says and gives me a pleading look that reeks of “please-don’t-explain”.

And so I don’t.

As I look at her, all I can think of are the months I spent depressed after she had taken him. A depression that almost made me flunk my first semester at college, something Mariah knew nothing about. She had left to study in Paris after using him as a summer distraction. Mariah could have had any boy back then but she had wanted mine.

Just because she could.

And for that, I would never forget and I would never forgive.

You are the one who called me out of the blue for coffee, wanting to resuscitate what was long dead and buried. And I know exactly why you suddenly want me back in your life.

“When is the big day?” I ask.

Mariah bats her long lashes at Robert and squeezes his hand. I see him wince imperceptibly.

Interesting.

“We’re thinking about next fall, right honey?”

Robert nods. I watch as his eyes skim down over my breasts again. He licks his dry lips before grabbing for his glass of champagne.

Very interesting.

I kick off my right Louboutin and extend my leg under the table to locate Robert’s ankle. He jumps slightly in his seat and I see the shock register on his face.

Before staring at me, Rob first glances at Mr. Right Now whose only interest lies in the contents of his plate and then to Mariah, who is now gawking over all of the celebrities in the crowd.

“Fall is a lovely time of year for a wedding,” I say and look Rob directly in the eye.

I slowly glide my naked foot along the length of Robert’s left leg and slowly repeat the languid movement.

Once. Twice. Three times. And then, I rest my foot in his lap.

Robert shifts uncomfortably in his seat. I’m not sure if he is trying to avoid my foot or get closer to it. But I quickly get my answer when I feel his hardness against my sole.

“But sometimes it can be such an unpredictable season,” I continue as Rob slowly places his champagne glass back on the table.

I watch as that same hand disappears underneath the tablecloth to massage my foot and then press it harder against him.

“You should come…come to the wedding, I mean,” Rob says as he kneads my foot. 

I’m amused at how his voice cracks over that one word. Rob kneads my foot a little harder and I continue smiling.

“Since you are asking Rob, of course I would love to come to your wedding! How could I refuse coming for you…I mean, the two of you?’

I have your man at my feet…literally.

A lot could change between this New Year’s Eve and a fall wedding. And I plan on making it as interesting as I want…just because I can.

©2016 Marquessa Matthews. All Rights Reserved.Save

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