Yeah, you heard me right yesterday.
Just like that Dex stopped calling, texting and emailing.
I already know what you are all thinking…
You’re thinking that I should have been sooooo happy to be left alone, right? But since I’m being brutally honest with you, I’ll admit that I wasn’t happy. Not in the least. I wasn’t overjoyed that Dex had finally left me alone – I found myself festering between sadness and anger. Instead of taking his lack of communication as a blessing, I became obsessed thinking about him all the time twenty-four hours a day seven days a week. And I really hate to admit it but I missed Dex more than I ever did before.
I missed coming home to an empty condo after a day at work even more, how we would sometimes cook dinner together or decide to go out for dinner and a movie on the spur of the moment, the comfort of his warm body next to mine in bed. I didn’t think that I could feel more alone that I already was but I felt lonelier than lonely. Lonely enough to think about blocking my number and calling his cell, just to hear his voice and hang up on him. Lonely enough to think about driving the long way home past his apartment building at the off chance that I might see him getting out of his car. I wanted to but I didn’t do any of those things but I’m just trying to tell you that’s how shitty and alone I felt.
But what was way worse were the questions in my mind that consumed me. Questions that made me cry when I was alone. Questions that refused to let me sleep, eat and concentrate at work…
Almost a year together and he only makes an effort for four weeks to get me back?
Did I even really mean anything to him?
Had he stopped thinking about me already?
Was his silence a ploy to make me wonder what he was doing?
Had he finally smartened up and was feeling remorseful enough to respect my wishes to not call me?
Was I really missing him or was I missing the adrenaline rush of the rollercoaster we had been on together?
Were our bad times, really that bad?
I know, I know but I told you that I was obsessed by those thoughts and feelings.
Was Kaley right? Did he already have another woman waiting in the wings ready and willing to replace me?
I won’t fool you. Just the thought of him with another woman made me jealous. I couldn’t to think that I had spent almost a year of my life being there and helping him become a better man, only to have some bitch reap all the benefits of my sweat and tears? I was jealous enough to stakeout his apartment one night when I thought I would get a glimpse of him driving into the parking area of his building but he never did, which simply solidified the fact that he was likely out and about town having fun without me and without a care in the world.
You know me well enough to guess that I never told Sam or Kaley about that stakeout or all the many nights I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling just wondering how I had gotten myself into this mess. I couldn’t let them know my level of my “crazy” when they had both been so supportive.
But as luck would have it, almost three weeks to the day that Dex had stopped calling, one of my burning questions was answered loud and clear. Actually, it had nothing to do with luck.
The answer came straight from Dex himself in a way I never expected but was likely all part of his plan.
I’m tired now. I’ll continue this tomorrow.
Continuation: P is for “Plan”
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