What is something you wish you knew how to do? Day #5 #bloganuary

Just a few days ago, I wished I knew how to tell someone “Fuck you!” and I will tell you why because I’m still quite pissed.

I will share with you that for the past 7 months, I have been providing palliative care to my father while working my full time job. I barely sleep and on most days there is no time to take a shower.

Needless to say, I feel like crap and I am running on fumes but I am a great actress at pretending to have energy – I have no intention of making my father feel guilty about all the time I spend with him.

I also know that I look like crap but this has not deterred me from helping my father videochat with friends and relatives for them to say hello and more importantly, goodbye over the past few days.

So where does my desire to learn how to tell someone “Fuck you!” come into this?

A cousin of mine called, I switched it over to a videochat for him to see and speak with my father. When he asked me a question, I took the phone but before I could answer, this is what he laughs and says to me verbatim:

“Wow Marquessa! Look at you! You look soooo tired! You need a few days at the spa or at least a beautician!”

I was speechless.

First, I was speechless that he would speak to my tiredness in front of my father, not even thinking twice about it. And from the guilty look on my father’s face, it hurt my heart.

Second, I was speechless that he would make a comment about my appearance when I already know that I look like crap and don’t need to be reminded, again…in front of my father.

Right now, my only priority is keeping my father as comfortable as possible, not beautifying myself.

And tell me, with all the covid curfews and lockdowns we are under again, where would I be going all dolled up anyways?

Yeah, exactly.

Third, this fool was laughing as he said this to me.

So what did I do?

Instead of telling him to go fuck himself (which I should have done according to a number of friends) I broke down.

Crying. Hyperventilating. The whole nine yards.

And though he was horrified by my reaction, my cousin will likely not think twice about saying something shitty and insensitive again (I could tell you a few other boundary pushing things he has said to me in the past).

So in the very near future, I will be learning how to let the words “fuck you” roll right off my tongue to certain people when need be.

And if by chance my cousin stumbles across this post, guess what two words I have waiting for you if we ever speak again?

Yeah, you guessed right.

12 thoughts on “What is something you wish you knew how to do? Day #5 #bloganuary

  1. Pingback: Here is my not-so-nice post for Day 5: – Bloganuary

  2. I am basically cut off from people. My Mum is in the last couple of weeks of her life and I am exhausted, although I am on indefinite leave for the duration, it is definitely not a holiday. It is stinking hot here in Perth (Australia), over 35 degrees Celsius for the past few weeks, my hair was filthy and I looked like crap. This morning I washed my hair, put in earrings and stuck on some lipstick, I still look like crap but at least I feel clean!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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