On January 22, 2022, my Dad died. My theme, “Letters to my Dad” is based on random thoughts about him and the aftermath of not having him around anymore.
My faith in God and all things spirituality are at an all-time low.
Over the years, my faith has ebbed and flowed but now I don’t even have the energy to find it.
I’m not even sure if I want to find faith or God again.
You know that I have always been more spiritual than religious.
I miss the comfort of having faith in a higher power. I miss how spirituality used to make me feel grounded, believing that the universe is good, that things happen for a reason and all that other jazz.
Instead, I find myself always wondering why so many nice, selfless, unassuming people get hit so hard with a multiple of bad things while those who purposely create chaos in the world and thrive on nasty never seem to get their comeuppance.
You know, basically, the age old question of “why do bad things always seem to happen to good people?”
I know that you are unhappy with my loss of faith because you keep sending me signs to guide me back in that direction.
The other day, I understood your most recent “sign” loud and clear when all the radio stations in the car went static and the only one that would play properly was this one.
I knew it was you playing tricks on me. 🙂
I mean, a radio station I have never heard before in the old van that has no fancy satellite radio stuff? I am a “radio girl” and know every station in that van.
I sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes listening to the announcers expound on living in faith instead of living in fear.
And because I know it’s you, I haven’t touched the radio dial so that’s the station that greets me every time I drive.
Lots of people would say that now that you’re gone, I’m finding “something” in “everything”.
Maybe that’s true.
But they don’t know about our conversations when I made you promise to send me “signs” after you were gone.
Signs to let me know that you are ok.
Signs that you’ve been following through on like a champ on an almost daily basis in many different ways.
You know what Dad? Maybe I haven’t lost as much faith as I thought. But what I have left to find I will slowly find my way back to, even if it’s just for you.
Loving you always,