*TRIGGER WARNING – *This post depicts a scene of sexual violence. If you feel you may be triggered by it, I strongly advise you to skip this installment and return for tomorrow’s “S is for Survive”*

Yes, I’m going to tell you about this.

To this day, I have never told Sam and Kaley that I ran over to Dex’s place that night because…I don’t know…

I mean…after all of their guidance and support, I was embarrassed to admit that I’d let my guard down.

I could hear all the different voices in my head:

Sam: Why didn’t you just call 911 if you thought he was going to kill himself?

Kaley: Why would you believe that he would really kill himself? Are you kidding?

My mother: What did you expect? Good girls don’t go to a man’s apartment!

Worst of all, I could picture myself reporting the incident to the police and being asked: If you feared him, why did you willingly go to over to his place?

So no, I never told anyone except for one stranger a few months later..

And now I’m telling you.

But if reading about how Dex raped me is going to upset you, do yourself a favour and stop right here if you don’t want to know the details.

I still get nightmares about it and when I do, I feel like I’m in that moment all over again.

I remember…

How I ran over to his apartment, found his door ajar and the entire apartment trashed. How I called out to him and he didn’t answer. How when I walked into his bedroom and found him laying on the bed looking dazed and confused, an empty bottle of Jack on the floor next to an empty container of pills.

I can feel…

How he grabbed my arm when I tried to shake some sense into him and he suddenly pinned me face down onto the bed. How my face was smothered by the comforter and I could barely breathe. How I couldn’t free myself from his hard calloused hands that felt like they had multiplied all over my body.

I can hear…

How his voice hissed in my ear from behind as he pulled down my yoga pants and pressed his entire weight onto me. How he whispered, “I knew you cared enough to come here. I know that you still love me. I missed you so much. Did you miss me babe?” How his body was solidly against me, I truly couldn’t breathe anymore and I couldn’t get away.

I can’t forget…

How he said, “We said that we would always love each other right? And we need to keep our promises. It’s time to stop playing hard to get. I’ve learned my lesson. I can’t live without you.” How when I instinctively continued to struggle, Dex slided his hand from my waist to the back of my head, grabbing a handful of my hair and yanked it so hard that I thought my roots had detached my scalp. How he said, “Oh, you want to play hard Cara? If you want it rough, I’ll play rough! Keep fighting me and I’ll give you a ride you will never forget!”

I will never forget…

How his weight shifted to the side and I heard the jingle of his belt loosening, then his zipper and his words, “Tell me that you want me.” How my mind raced, wondering why I had been stupid enough to think he would actually kill himself. That no one knew that I was there. That if he were to kill me, it might take a while to be found in the last place I should never have been. Being blamed for putting myself in this position. Thinking that if I fought him, I would pay even more dearly for it. Deciding that I shouldn’t fight him. Realizing that not fighting was my only option to survive in that moment.

Hearing him say, “Tell me that you want me Cara.”

Me having no choice but to lie and answer with, “I want you Dex.”

And for those next slow-moving minutes, I shut my brain down, barely aware of his grunts and sick whispers in my ear until he was panting and shuddering against me. Eventually, he shifted his weight from me, forced me to turn over and cradled me in his arms. Then he fell asleep and I dared not move. I remained deathly still, in shock but acutely aware at how calm I was.

And that’s when Kaley’s words ran through my head: “If you give him an inch, he will take much, much more than a mile. Give him an opportunity and he will always find a way to reel you back in. He will ruin your life for the hell of it. Think about his weaknesses and try to use them to your advantage. I had to move across the world to get away from my ex-husband but you can try to find a way to cut him off at the knees so that he can never get up again.”

As I laid there in his bed next to him and completely numb, I thought about how it would be my word against his, how I would surely be re-victimized if I told and how I would likely always lose against him. He had sucked my soul dry…

But to be free, I had to find a way to cut him down so that he would never ever get up again.

I had to find a way.

Cara

Continuation: S is for “Survive”

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