“D” is for “Defensive” @AprilA2Z @AtoZChallenge #AtoZChallenge

It wasn’t the first time that Samantha had voiced her concerns about Dex.

Dex always called during our lunch break and monopolized my time. But that one day, Sam wanted me to explain why he needed to know exactly where I was, who I was with and even what I was eating if I went out of the office for lunch.

When I told her that he was just always attentive and interested, she gave me a frown followed by a “WTF” look.

“Don’t you feel…smothered Cara? It’s like he’s always around… even when he’s not!”

Sam’s words made my stomach ache but I pushed aside the feeling of uneasiness. Instead, I got defensive and a little angry.

“No! He just likes to keep in touch and nothing is wrong with that! Sam, you’re always complaining that men don’t communicate and now that Dex is doing just that, you have an issue with it. That’s just the way he is!”

Sam shrugged her shoulders. “If you say so. But I still think that it’s a way overboard.”

Her words festered and gnawed at me for days until Dex asked what was bothering me. Looking back, telling him what Sam had said was the beginning of a long line of stupid mistakes I made. Visibly pissed, Dex quickly brushed Sam’s attitude off as jealousy because she was still single. He strongly suggested that if she kept trying to bring him and our relationship down, I should spend less time with her.

The more Dex talked, the more he managed to convince me that maybe Sam was really jealous. Maybe she didn’t like seeing me in a position where I was finally happy and coupled up when she was usually in that position.

El que con lobos anda, a aullar se enseña“….

Yes, maybe I had learned a thing or two from Sam about being “boyfriend-worthy” and now she was jealous.

But it wasn’t true.

It was the farthest thing from the truth but I realized it way too late into the game. I should have listened to that ache in the pit of my stomach…

Cara

Continuation: E is for “Eggshells”

All Rights Reserved ©2018 Marquessa Matthews. Graphic above created with Canva

“C” is for “Charming” @AprilA2Z @AtoZChallenge #AtoZChallenge

I never believed in happily-ever-afters and fairytales but Dex changed my mind.

It was as if my life had begun the night we had met and all the immature men I had dated before were just a dress rehearsal for the real thing – finally finding my soulmate.

No more weak-ass, insecure, “Build-A-Bro” type of guys, no desire to become a “Bob the Builder” type of woman trying to fix a man into an ideal man. Dex was attentive and sweet like no other man I had ever been with. He said he had finally found the woman he had always wanted.

Me.

Dex vowed that he wanted to “court” me instead of “date” me and I felt like a real live princess who was the center of his universe.

We were like addicts, in constant contact with good morning calls, lunch time check-ins, talking for hours after work when we couldn’t get together. Dex sent loving texts several times a day and called to make sure that I got to and from where I was going safely. When they met him, my friends and family loved his loud, gregarious nature and how happy he made me smile. Sam was the only person who voiced a few doubts. She wondered how he was always “on” and how we could be so much into each other.

Though Dex pushed for us to “make love” and I felt myself falling hard and fast, my instincts told me to hold back. He teased me about being a prude and said he would try to be patient. But when he said that he was falling for me and that I was worth the wait, I caved and gave my mind, body and soul to him, completely and without regret. Unselfish and generous in bed, Dex was eager to please me in all the ways I needed, wanted and men oftentimes willfully neglected. I kicked myself for holding back and regretted the time I had allowed myself to waste.

I’m ashamed to say that I would have stopped breathing if Dex asked me to.

But when something is too good to be true, it usually is…or in the words of my Abuela:

“¡Cuidado Cara! El que es perico, donde quiera es verde. And the devil doesn’t come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes dressed as everything you secretly hope for like your grandfather.”

You know, this writing thing isn’t so crazy after all…The more I put my thoughts down on this blog, the more I realize that Abuela wasn’t so crazy after all with her sayings.

I was the crazy one and didn’t know that I was about to board the crazy train to hell…

Cara

Continuation: D is for “Defensive”

All Rights Reserved ©2018 Marquessa Matthews. Graphic above created with Canva.

“B” is for “Bomb”

Hindsight is definitely 20/20, it’s oh-so clear that Dex was about to bomb me.

And by that, I mean, “love bomb”.

But I can’t blame myself for being such a fool. Dex was my first true love (or so I thought) and I didn’t know any better. Looking back, I saw every red flag that I needed to watch out but never knew about …after the fact.

I was with my co-worker and good friend Samantha, at a trendy Montreal resto bar where we often chilled after work on Thursdays – a place where all the hip and trendy professionals networked and hooked-up. I had broken up with my boyfriend six months earlier and was still 150% disinterested in meeting anyone new. To be honest, my only focus that evening was on ordering something to eat so I could avoid making dinner for one when I got home.

Samantha was the one who noticed Dex staring and pointed him out to me. He was tall, decent-looking enough and towered over the group of men he stood with at the bar.

But what truly caught my eye about him was his unflinching stare. He didn’t seem to care how obvious he was being so I gave him my “resting bitch face”. When he smiled and continued to stare, I rolled my eyes, gave him my back and dismissed him. I was in no mood to flirt or be coy. But before I knew it, he was towering next me, extending his hand and introducing himself to both of us.

I remember his exact words like it was yesterday, “Hi. I’m Dex. I apologize for staring but rolling your eyes at me would never stop me from coming over here and talking to you. I must say, you are beautiful. But you hear that all the time, right?”

His corny words made Samantha giggle and she quickly abandoned me by disappearing into the crowd. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes again and shake my head. Sure, I’d been told that a bunch of times in my adult life but having “grown up ugly”, I never believed it. Instead, I learned to rely on my brains, witty sarcasm and sometimes sharp words. The rest of our conversation kind of went like this:

“Actually yes, I do hear it all the time. Do women usually swoon and puddle at your feet with such corny lines?”

When I wanted, I could make most men run away but Dex stood his ground and smiled even wider.

“Actually they usually do. But my interest is always piqued by women who don’t – kind of like you.”

Not only did Dex have the guts to approach me unlike lots of other men (my friends often said that I was too pretty and that men probably assumed that I was already “taken”), I was impressed that he was confident and bold enough not to run for the hills. We both laughed and as we continued on with more witty friendly banter, I found myself smiling more than I wanted to.

When Sam reappeared, she invited him and his crew to join us for dinner. A good time was had by all and I wasn’t surprised when Dex offered me his cell number. Experience had long taught me that if a man is really interested in you, he will ask you for your number, not vice versa. Actually, that was another thing Abuela used to say in her profanity-laced Spanglish:

“¡No sea tonta Cara! El que nace para tamal, del cielo le caen las hojas…But remember, never chase or call a man. If you do, you’ll never know if he really wanted you in the first place, if you were his last choice or his only distraction.”

Dex must have read my thoughts because when I refused to take his number, he promptly asked me for mine. Though he had begun as an annoyance, there was an energy and charisma about Dex that I was drawn to and I gave him my number. He promised to call and I took his words with a large grain of salt. He insisted on paying for Sam’s dinner as well as mine even though I kept refusing. I gave up when Sam started pinching me under the table to let it go.

“Just because you’re being a gentleman now doesn’t mean that I’ll go out with you…”

Dex didn’t miss a beat. “I know. But I also haven’t asked you out yet, have I? Don’t get ahead yourself.”

I enjoyed how he could easily volleyball back the bombs I dropped at his feet. I thanked him for dinner and like a gentleman, he walked Sam and I to her car. I was barely home when my cell rang with a number I didn’t recognize. It was Dex asking me out for coffee for the next day. The fact that he had called instead of texting made me smile and I liked it. He had confidence and I liked that too.

I said yes. To this day, I wonder what would have happened if I had brushed him off.

Maybe if I had said no, one of us wouldn’t be dead right now…

Cara

Continuation: C is for “Charming”

All Rights Reserved ©2018 Marquessa Matthews. Graphic above created with Canva.

“A” Is For “Afflicted”

“Two people can only keep a secret if one of them is dead.”

Out of all the crazy stuff my Dominican abuela (I mean, grandmother) used to say, that was the wisest and truest thing to ever come out of her big uncensored mouth.

You see, the secret I’ve been keeping has been eating away at me. And with each passing day, the story keeps bubbling up inside of me, trying to escape.

I’ve never told anyone about what happened, at least not all of it.

But I have to get this weight off of my chest and the only way I can do it is by writing it down. If I was really smart, I wouldn’t write it down at all, especially online where people could find it. But I need to tell my story and figure out how I ended up here in the first place.

This blog is really meant for me and my eyes only. I mean, who would even care about my incoherent ramblings?

But just in case someone does stumble across this blog (and if you are reading this, I mean YOU), please remember that I’m not a bad person. I had to take Abuela’s words to heart and I did what needed to be done to save myself.

Truth be told, a little part of me hopes that you do find this blog. I mean, maybe you’ll help me piece this all together and help me see where I went wrong, though I kind of already know.

And of course, I’m writing this anonymously so I won’t tell you my real name. But you can call me “Cara”, short for “Caramel”. That was Abuela’s nickname for me because she loved the color of my skin. She also said that I was like burnt sugar with a bitter aftertaste. Back then, I never knew what she meant by that and the only time I had the nerve to ask, she had simply shrugged her shoulders and said:

Mas sabe el diablo por viejo que por diablo“.

Yes, the devil knows more from experience than from being the devil. Maybe Abuela saw something in me back then that I only discovered later and that I’m reconciling with now…who knows.

But I’m getting off topic. Maybe I’ll write about that later.

Right now, I need to start at the beginning and tell you how I met my abuser Dex…

Cara

Continuation: B is for “Bomb”

All Rights Reserved ©2018 Marquessa Matthews. Graphic above created with Canva.

if I had known … @AprilA2Z @AtoZChallenge #AtoZChallenge

Theme Reveal #AtoZChallenge 2020 badge

If I had known that these times would have been so stressful…

I would have picked a more cheery and romantic-type of old A to Z Challenge story to RE-post.

But it’s too late now and it is what it is.

I’ll be posting my A to Z Challenge posts to Instagram at the same time as an experiment in the power of hashtags.

I’ve never used appropriate tags for any thing so I’m curious to see how well they work.

So on that note, as of tomorrow, the challenge will be ON and here is a quick teaser again.

Sorry to those who have read this before and remember the story!

“Breaking The Mirror” (title subject to change)

Take care and stay safe,

M xoxo

something sexy…just because

Shifting gears away from all-things-Covid-19 and towards some fiction.

I took down most of my fiction from this blog a long time ago but I felt like randomly posting an old excerpt of a little something-something since the A to Z Challenge starts next week.

If you have never read any of my fiction writing, below is a little taste of something sexy…just because I felt like it. I truly like this character and look forward to writing her again – hopefully soon.

You can find some of my other writing under the Short Fiction menu tab above.

*MATURE CONTENT*

Naughty Girls Need Love Too

When I licked Jake’s earlobe, his breathing became labored and his chest heaved against mine.

It took mere seconds to feel just how much he wanted me. Jake’s palms ran along my legs, found their way behind my knees and gave me one forceful tug forward so that I found myself straddling him instead of his motorcycle.

Motorcycles turned me on all on their own but Jake on a motorcycle was deadly.

“You’re playing a dangerous game with someone you barely know Gabriella,” Jake whispered into my ear, giving me goosebumps all over my body.

“Call me Ella. I think we know each other well enough for you to call me Ella. All of my friends do.” I fingers through his hair and felt him shudder.

“Ella,” Jake groaned into my hair. “Is this what you do when a man offers you a ride home?”

The more I sucked on his earlobe, the harder Jake tried to close the already non-existent gap between us.

“Not always,” I teased. “Only with the ones I find…interesting.”

“You’re lethal Ella. Dangerous…”

“Tell me to stop what I’m doing and I will.” I stopped and waited for the “stop” I knew would never leave his lips. “For all I know, you might be the dangerous one.” I’d had my people do a background check on him after that brawl at the club so I already knew what I needed to about him.

“Me? Dangerous? I’m more a danger to myself than I would ever be to you,” Jake said, kissing my neck. “Between us, the only dangerous one is you Ella.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’m more naughty than dangerous. And naughty girls need love too you know.” I kissed his cheek and when he leaned in towards my lips, I playfully turned my head away. “If I really were dangerous, you’d want me anyways, right?” I looked him straight in the eyes.

“Say it…” I told him, unbuttoning his shirt.

Jake looked down at my fingers, as if what I was saying and doing didn’t compute. “Say what?”

Confusion was written all over his face. I might have been doing the talking but our bodies were dictating the conversation. Getting to my lips and my other lady bits were the only things on his mind.

“Say that you want me, ” I whispered, prompting him and running my palms up and down his chest now that his shirt was unbuttoned. Jake closed his eyes firmly, enjoying my touch. “I want to hear you say it.” Then I ran my palms along his outer thighs. “Tell me that you want me.”

“I want you,” Jake muttered, hypnotizing by the movement of my fingers on his legs through his jeans.

“I want you Ella…” I whispered into his ear and ran my tongue along his neck. I let my hands trail down to the front of his jeans.

“I want you Ella,” Jake parroted under duress with his eyes still firmly shut.

“I want you Ella right here on this bike...” I prompted him again. I could almost hear his heart beating under his now sweaty chest and when he finally opened his eyes, his look was so intense that it was almost scary. But I loved it. I wanted him to want me, really want me and I loved the power I had over him, melted under my spell.

“You’re killing me,” Jake groaned and started undoing the other buttons on my top. “I want you Ella, right here on this bike…”

“That’s more like it Jake.”

What unthinkable things could Jake and I do on his bike, right here, right now, in the darkness of this back alley?

I wanted to find out.

His hands cupped my ass and just as our lips touched, the back exit door of the club flew open with such force that Jake grabbed me before I lost my balance.

In the heat of the moment, I’d forgotten all about the surveillance cameras trained on that back alley.

I’d broken the first and foremost commandment at my own club – a rule that I had put in place when I had taking over the business: No fraternizing with the clients.

Or to use my exact words with the girls, “You’re performers, dancers, not hookers. No fucking the clients.”

And now here I was – hot, bothered and busted by the last person I wanted to find me breaking my own rule.

I was fucked and unfucked all at the same time.

©2016 Marquessa Matthews. All Rights Reserved.


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i’m done

I’m tired and fed up but it’s my own fault.

Not just because I have been posting about our current situation way too often but also because I haven’t been limiting my intake of news enough.

This has been my routine for most of this week:

Roll out of bed in the morning.

Log on to my local grocery’s delivery website to try to secure my spot in its queue (it took 10 hours yesterday  😦 ).

Jump into the shower.

Do some work during my allotted work slot to not overload the work server.

Get essential to-do’s from my personal list done before the daily Prime Minister and Premier press conferences, then listen to hours of post-commentaries.

See where I am in the grocery queue while doing other to-do’s, checking with friends and family and listening to the local radio station or Spotify.

Find something on Netflix or Amazon Prime to watch while trading jokes with a friend about how much we have over-eaten that day.

Fall asleep to Netflix/Amazon Prime.

Wake up at 3:00AM wondering if it’s all been a bad dream.

Have random thoughts about the future and fall back to sleep.

Wake up again, wondering what day it is because the days feel the same.

That’s it, that’s all.

Wow.

Well, I’m done focusing on the stress of it all because it just makes it much worse.

My week #2 was supposed to be about “creativity” but instead, it’s been about creatively focusing on the negative!

So, I’m lighting this Covid-9 b*tch on fire and walking away.

If and when I post about Covid-19 or our #stayhome situation, I’m going to force myself to find a POSITIVE angle.

That’s it for now.

How are you holding up?

M  xoxo