I truly thought that I would be able to boast about all the things I have been able to let go over the years, like my fear of doing things solo, dumping narcissistic friends or refusing to play harder (instead of smarter) in situations where the powers that be would never have allowed me to succeed.
But as I have been journaling this month, it is painfully clear that there is a lot of things I have clearly NOT “relinquished” so this exercise is proving to be quite interesting and enlightening.
Physically removing myself out of certain situations is a way of “letting go” but if my mind is still ruminating on things that have happened a long time ago yet are still affecting me to the present day, have I really let go?
The answer is “no”.
The positive side of ruminating is that this process is allowing me to get a better understanding of how I became the person that I am today, if I want to take steps to change and if so, how can I change when certain circumstances are limiting how much of a change I can make.
Or is it simply too late?
Do you think that there comes a time when it is simply too late?
This seems to always be the story of my life.
If you are working on a monthly theme from this postor your own, what have you discovered this month?
Relinquishment is basically the act of sacrificing something, giving up or abandoning a struggle, task, etc.
During this month’s theme, I could go “light” or I could go “deep”. I am not going to make a decision on which route I will take just yet.
What I will do is start by making a short list of the things I have given up, to use as prompts in my journal and then share a few on a less detailed level.
We have all relinquished things, consciously or unconsciously.
What is one of the first things that pops into your mind?
Well, I started a separate blog space just for this project and forgot about posting here.
Oh well! The new plan will be to post the outcome of my month by the end of each month on this space (for accountability 🙂 ).
So, my January theme was “Order”.
In general, having “Order” in my life has been a “thing” for me for the longest time.
Like really…a “thing” type of thing. Like a semi-obsession.
Even when I was younger, before doing my homework at the kitchen table, I had no choice but to CLEAN the entire area around me so that nothing unsightly or cluttered was within my view. Otherwise, I couldn’t concentrate. Kind of weird but totally true.
I’m not sure what kind of quirk it is but one thing is for sure – putting “order” to the things around me by organizing and decluttering reduces my anxiety, something I realized about myself later in life.
Order makes me feel oh-so-calm and lets me mentally disconnect, only think about the task at hand and make the end result look “pretty”. That same type of zen feeling I get when I (used to) putter around the garden, weeding, deadheading flowers and planting veggies.
So starting with “Order” for January was a no-brainer.
During the month, my only issues were with:
pacing myself between work and other responsibilities; and
not getting stuck on fixing just one physical environment.
To make myself feel like a success and since it was a shiny new year, I started very small with the bathroom by thoroughly cleaning and then finally hanging my beach-motif shower curtain.
With no upcoming travel plans, I emptied my vanity drawers and repurposed my travel shoe organizer for all-things-toiletries. Now everything is in sight AND I gained extra space.
By that point, I was feeling like a winner and decided that “order” should include tossing a few items that no longer served me (or actually function), like my stereo from the early 1990s . It was way past its last leg and only around due to sentimentality. 🙂
For the last 15 years or so, I’m much more in the “don’t leave it for someone else to toss out” mindframe but truth be told, I’ve been into the “Swedish Death Cleaning” thing long before Marie Kondo became popular.
I forgot to take “before” pictures but the most time-consuming “Order” involved changes that I am loving…
I sold the diningroom table (the days of large gatherings are over) and moved one of my work desks into the area. The sometimes claustrophic feeling during a work day is now GONE and the lighting is much better on these old eyes of mine.
The office / guest / treadmill room is mainly an exercise room now so no excuses on not walking and stretching!
And I started a “family filing system”.
By purchasing some filing containers, file folders and hanging file folders, each family member now has an assigned box. EVERYTHING has been going in there – medical, tax, important receipts, bills – you name it, there is a file for it now.
I take care of a lot of things for a lot of loved ones and since my father passed, my brain can no longer do the gymnastics it used to.
So, call me ol’ school but there is nothing like a “physical” filing system that anyone can access if something where to happen to me.
This project alone will make things so much easier when it comes time to prepare tax returns.
So what didn’t I put “order” to in January?
Things like tossing pots and pans and purging my wardrobe will take me WAY beyond January but I may sneak it into the February theme.
All in all, now that the physical space around me feels SUPER LIGHT, February’s theme doesn’t seem as daunting.
It’s been almost a year and I still haven’t cried.
Like REALLY REALLY cried.
The kind of BIG cry that could maybe, just maybe, make that sick feeling in my chest and the burning knot in my stomach disappear for a little while, especially when my thoughts wander to the pain he was in and how cachectic he was quickly becoming but that my eyes refused to acknowledge.
I feel anxious more often than not.
The kind of anxious feeling that I am having right now as I type this, remembering that exactly one year ago today, it was the beginning of his last decline.
A decline that would come to its final conclusion on January 22 as we all held his hand, told him that we loved him, thanked him for being a great Dad and that it was okay for him to go.
I feel anxious thinking about how we echoed each other’s “We love you” until his very last breath left his body.
It’s been almost a year and I still haven’t cried and I’m truly starting to think that something is fundamentally wrong with me.
I LOVE reading all of the January 1st posts of my fellow online friends talking about their new year resolutions, what they will and what they will not do in this fresh new year.
I used to be someone who had a lofty list of resolutions that would start on January 1st and fail miserably long before February 1.
For a while now, I don’t really do resolutions anymore because the moment I get off course, I end up feeling like a failure and I don’t need that kind of self-negativity in my life.
Over the past few years, my mindset have shifted to “goals”.
What’s the difference between resolutions and goals? Here is an article I found online about that.
One of my yearly goals is always to do more writing and to continue being the best I can be for those I love around me.
Now, I am adding on an additional goal of better balancing the various parts of my life by journaling for the next 12 months on different monthly themes (like I posted about here).
No fuss, no muss, no stress.
At the start of every month, I’ll brainstorm at least 4 specific actions items to tackle 1 per week and I am looking forward to it as I already started in December on my first theme which is “Order“.
My plan is to share with you here and there as I go.
Are you doing resolutions, goals or anything else for this new 2023?
Marquessa 