What is something you wish you knew how to do? Day #5 #bloganuary

Just a few days ago, I wished I knew how to tell someone “Fuck you!” and I will tell you why because I’m still quite pissed.

I will share with you that for the past 7 months, I have been providing palliative care to my father while working my full time job. I barely sleep and on most days there is no time to take a shower.

Needless to say, I feel like crap and I am running on fumes but I am a great actress at pretending to have energy – I have no intention of making my father feel guilty about all the time I spend with him.

I also know that I look like crap but this has not deterred me from helping my father videochat with friends and relatives for them to say hello and more importantly, goodbye over the past few days.

So where does my desire to learn how to tell someone “Fuck you!” come into this?

A cousin of mine called, I switched it over to a videochat for him to see and speak with my father. When he asked me a question, I took the phone but before I could answer, this is what he laughs and says to me verbatim:

“Wow Marquessa! Look at you! You look soooo tired! You need a few days at the spa or at least a beautician!”

I was speechless.

First, I was speechless that he would speak to my tiredness in front of my father, not even thinking twice about it. And from the guilty look on my father’s face, it hurt my heart.

Second, I was speechless that he would make a comment about my appearance when I already know that I look like crap and don’t need to be reminded, again…in front of my father.

Right now, my only priority is keeping my father as comfortable as possible, not beautifying myself.

And tell me, with all the covid curfews and lockdowns we are under again, where would I be going all dolled up anyways?

Yeah, exactly.

Third, this fool was laughing as he said this to me.

So what did I do?

Instead of telling him to go fuck himself (which I should have done according to a number of friends) I broke down.

Crying. Hyperventilating. The whole nine yards.

And though he was horrified by my reaction, my cousin will likely not think twice about saying something shitty and insensitive again (I could tell you a few other boundary pushing things he has said to me in the past).

So in the very near future, I will be learning how to let the words “fuck you” roll right off my tongue to certain people when need be.

And if by chance my cousin stumbles across this post, guess what two words I have waiting for you if we ever speak again?

Yeah, you guessed right.

What was your favorite toy as a child? Day #4 – Bloganuary

Bear and Pillow

Bear and Pillow

You can call me Bear. You see, the little girl Marquessa (well, big girl now) to whom I belong never really gave me a name for fear that her brothers would find a way to make fun of me.

Without a doubt, I was Marquessa’s favorite toy. I still have a special place in her heart even 50 years later.

Unlike her other stuffed animals that remain abandoned on a couch in her parent’s basement, I moved out with Marquessa and took up residence in the middle of the futon in her home office. I have never endured the confines of a storage box or the far corner of a crowded closet. She would not have felt right doing that to me.

Instead, I have always had the privilege of having my own special spot. For a bear, I think that I have aged quite well. A little dusty and missing an eye isn’t too bad for all those years.

And as a companion to me, Pillow has always been at my side. Pillow was handmade by Marquessa’s mother and as a baby it was that same pillow on which she rested my head. Now I use Pillow to rest my head as well.

In a perfect world, it would have been fitting for Marquessa to one day pass me and Pillow onto her own children but since that will never happen, I will continue to savor the memories I have with her.

©2022 Marquessa Matthews

Write about the last time you left your comfort zone Day#3 Bloganuary

The last time I left my comfort zone when it comes to fiction writing is when I wrote a story about abuse/domestic violence for another writing challenge a few years back.

If My Wounds Were Visible” is the name of the story.

At the time, I wasn’t comfortable with writing something a little more serious than I usually do and for fear of what others might have thought. But in the end, I followed the story through and it worked out well.

If you are interested in reading it, feel free to find it on this Page here.

Enjoy!

What is a road trip you would love to take? Day #2 – Bloganuary

Road trip? No.

Plane trip? Yes.

My “go-to” is a little place that I’ve been enamoured with since I first visited in 1993.

The moment I stepped off the plane it felt like “home”. I’m not sure why but it did and still does every time I visit.

The place I used to go at least once a year until, well, you know…

The Enchanted Island – San Juan, Puerto Rico.

The place where I always stay a stone’s throw away from the beach.

The place where I spend most of my time near the water.

The place where I do the following things excessively:

Disconnect.

Relax.

Chill.

Breathe.

Eat.

The place where my biggest (First World) decisions of the day is “Do I spend the first half of the day at the pool or the beach?

I can’t wait to return.

©2022 Marquessa Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

What advice would you give to your teenage self? Day 1 of #Bloganuary

Note to reader: I enjoy writing fiction with a twist of reality so many of these daily Bloganuary prompts will take on a fictional slant. My approach? Write for 30 minutes, publish and then edit a few more times to set the “feeling”. That’s how I will roll for this challenge.

As I sit at her kitchen table being accused of yet another mysterious crime I have not committed, I distract myself from her yelling by mentally adding items to the “How did I end up like this?” list I have running in my head.

It means nothing to her that I sacrifice time away from my work and family to drop by daily to cook, clean and do errands for her. Nothing I have ever done was good enough in her eyes and nothing has changed.

With each visit, she still spends her time negatively comparing me to herself (who can do no wrong) or to those who have quietly distanced themselves far and farther away from her pent up anger and frustrations.

The day I realized that she has never had an interest in me was the day I started to mentally make a list of advice I would have told my teenage self, if I could have turned back the hands of time.

If I knew then what I know now, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t be sitting here…

The choices we make (or don’t make) are ours so don’t blame anyone else for the ones you make.

Take the time to figure out what your truth is, not someone’s truth or projection of truth onto you.

Just because someone loves you doesn’t mean that they always have your best interest at heart.

Some people need to feed on bitterness to get themselves through their days. Don’t be one of those people.

Never give up your passion to please others.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Aren’t you listening to me?”

The shrill of her voice jars me back to the reality of her kitchen where she is now standing next to me with the lunch plate I prepared for her in hand.

Realizing that I am lost in private thoughts that are not centered on her, she is more than displeased with the fact that I have been ignoring her latest performance.

“I said that this tastes like garbage! No wonder your kids eat out so much.”

Having been a professional chef for most of my working life before I retired, I almost laugh at her statement.

Almost.

A profession I had been reknown for across the city but that I resorted to because she made early and quick work of extinguishing my passion and spirit for what I truly wanted to do with my life.

I barely flinch as the plate hits the wall and shatters into tiny pieces all over the floor.

It all feels so familiar.

Memories from my childhood in this kitchen flash before my eyes. She needs no words because the glare that cuts into me demands that I clean up the mess she has just made.

Just as I did as a teenager, I make the choice to be silent.

But today as an adult, I make the choice to stay seated for a little longer than I normally would.

As I try to raise myself from my chair, I add another item to my mental list:

It is not your responsibility to try to “fix” what is broken in someone, especially if you didn’t break it. Simply concentrate on “fixing” yourself.

©2022 Marquessa Matthews. All Rights Reserved

 

 

Bloganuary? Nothing to lose…

I blame my friend Sandra over at @whatsandrathinks for making me think about doing about this challenge.

It wasn’t so long ago that I said that my writing challenge days were over because I wanted to concentrate on my fiction writing but here I am…again.

The pandemic has sapped away most of my creative energy so I have nothing to lose by attempting this.

Maybe it will be a good semi-distraction while I am taking care of my father. Maybe I will give up completely by January 3rd. Maybe I will see the challenge through to the end.

What I know for sure is that there are much more important things than stressing out over writing so I’m going to give it go…

My Next 12, Your Next 12

It’s now or never.

It’s time to make myself a priority after years of supporting other people’s agendas while mine have been left gathering dust for decades.

In addition to that, these past months have been full of personal challenges that will eventually end on a very sad note and now more than ever, I need to take time to discover the things that I enjoy and the ways in which I want to spend my time before I no longer have the opportunity to do so.

To be quite honest, I don’t know where to begin with figuring out what is important to me but I am ready to find out.

My 2022 plan is to loosely use Sarah Ban Breathnach’s – Simple Abundance: 365 Days to a Balanced and Joyful Life” as a jumping off point and according to 12 themes broken down by Aldís Elfarsdóttir in a post that you can read here.

I say “loosely” because I plan on tackling whatever feels right in that moment.

If you are interested in tackling “your next 12”, drop me a line in the comment box and keep an eye for an update by mid-December.

Bisous,

M xoxo