It took Sam less than twenty minutes to get the hospital.

Sitting next to me on the hospital bed, Samantha was quiet as I confessed what had happened. But I could see her anger brewing the more I explained what had been going on with Dex. I cried, talked and cried some more until I was out of breath. Sam only had one question for me.

“Why didn’t you reach out to me sooner Cara?”

I had no choice but to tell her the truth. “I was embarrassed to tell anyone. And Dex is always so sweet to everyone that I figured no one would believe me about his behaviour.”

Sam touched my cheek and shook her head. “Cara, I would always believe you. Never doubt that.”

The nurse came to let me know that I was cleared to leave. “You don’t have a concussion but you should have someone stay with you overnight.”

“Don’t worry, she’s coming home with me,” Sam told her, taking me by surprise. “She’ll be staying with me for the next few days.”

I was so grateful that I couldn’t even thank her in words. Dex still had an access card to my building. What if he was there waiting for me?

Samantha helped me get dressed. Taking me by the arm, she led me to her car and headed to her place. The car was silent but I could hear the wheels in her head turning.

“I know that you want to tell me I told you so. Looking back, you never seemed to like him and dropped so many hints. I just ignored you and then abandoned you as a friend.”

“Cara, I would never say I told you so. And yeah, something about Dex never sat well with me when you first started dating him. He reminded me of my sister’s first husband.”

“What do you mean?”

“The big charming personality that fills up a room and that everyone is drawn to, the sweeping romantic gestures that went straight from 0 to 10 and how he wanted to be with you all the time…Then there was the constant checking in on you. My sister’s ex was just like that and it ended badly.”

We pulled into a driveway of a cute little townhouse that I didn’t recognize. “Where are we?”

“Oh, I moved in with Bruno a few months ago and rented out my condo.”

I had missed so much in what was happening in her life. “Wow! That was fast. Wait, what? You mean the same Bruno the IT guy from four years ago that you broke up with?”

“Yes, the one and the same. We’ve been seeing each other for eight months now and it just feels right.”

“But didn’t you say that there were no fireworks between you two?”

“I was stupid. To be honest, after one too many frogs out there since Bruno, I realized that drama and fireworks and love are best left for the movies. Bruno is a kind and sweet guy who loves me and who I love. Love is not supposed to be hard Cara.”

Love is not supposed to be hard…was it as simple as that?

When I attempted to get out of the car, Sam held me back. “Before we head inside, first things first. We need to handle certain things right now. Does Dex still have access to your condo?” I nodded. “And he still has your cell?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.” For all I knew, my cell could still have been on the kitchen table where I had last seen it.

“What’s the number for your condo’s security? You need to tell them that you lost your passes and to deactivate them. Then, we’re going to locate your cell’s GPS. The last thing you want is that loser having access to your personal information and contacts.”

Like the girlboss she was, Sam made me call security and then using her phone, we gps-ed my cell. It was still at my condo. We finally climbed out the car and went inside the cozy little townhouse.

“Bruno’s away at an IT conference until the weekend so we have the house to ourselves. Are you tired?”

“More like wired.”

“Good. Because there’s someone I want you to talk to?”

“Who?” Sam didn’t respond as she flipped her laptop open, hit a few buttons and I heard the video conference dial tone. “Who are you calling?”

An attractive older looking version of Samantha popped up on the screen.

“Hey Sam! What’s up? Is anything wrong? You usually don’t call me at this time.”

The woman had the same eyes as Sam. This had to be the older sister she had told me about.

“Nothing is wrong Kaley. But I have a favor to ask you. This is my friend Cara. Cara, this is my sister Kaley.” We waved at each other through the screen. “I know that you don’t like to talk about it but I need for you to tell her your story about…you know…everything.”

It was clear from Kaley’s face that it was the last thing she wanted to do but the more she observed me, the softer her expression became. Kaley took a deep breath and exhaled. “You want me to tell her the whole story of how I ended up moving to Japan?”

Sam nodded at Kaley.

“Okay, anything for you Sam. It’s only lunch time here but hold on, I’m going to need a bottle of wine for this…”

When Kaley disappeared from the screen, I took the opportunity to ask Sam what her sister’s story was.

“It’s best if she tells you. All that I want is for you to listen, okay?”

And for the next two hours, Kaley told me the detailed story of her first husband, how he leveraged her love to manipulate her and why she ended up across the world in Japan.

When she was done I felt sick to my stomach at some of the similarities between her ex-husband and Dex. Then Kaley turned the tables on me.

“Cara, someone once said that “there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” It’s time for you to tell me your story.”

And I did.

Cara

Continuation: N is for “No Contact”

All Rights Reserved ©2018 Marquessa Matthews. 

Do you know how crazy it is to wake up in a hospital bed not remembering much of how you got there?

Well, much of it was a blur. The last thing I remembered was the argument in the kitchen, falling backwards and smacking my head. Then everything got dark. I also remembered the concern in Dex’s voice as he tried to help me up from the floor but my body refused to cooperate. I couldn’t move. My legs were like jello and they just wouldn’t hold me up. I remembered closing my eyes as Dex picked me up like a rag doll, carrying me to his car and him driving really fast.

My head hurt when I shifted myself in the hospital bed and when I did, I realized Dex was sitting in a chair next to the bed. Worry was etched all over his face.

“You passed out so I rushed you here. The doctors aren’t sure if you have a concussion.” Dex reached out for my hand and my entire body bristled, making him stop mid-reach. “I’m sorry for…”

I sat straight up in the bed and shook my head. “No, don’t you dare touch me! I want nothing to do with you anymore!”

With each word, my voice raised in increments, so much so that Dex appeared concerned that someone would pull the curtains back to see what was going. He hushed me but I was done holding back. Dex had crossed the line too many times to count.

“Cara, I’m sorry. But I didn’t do this to you! You fell on your own! You can’t blame me for this…”

“None of this would have happened if you hadn’t gone off like that! You seriously have something wrong with you! You really do! We are done!”

“Cara…” Dex reached out for my hand again but it was the last time he tried.

“Leave! Me! Alone!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Shock registered in his eyes when we heard the shuffle of feet and a nurse appeared from behind the curtain around the bed.

“What’s going on here?” She looked from me to Dex and back to me. I started to cry and said nothing. That was the nurse’s cue to tell Dex to leave. He protested but she wouldn’t have it. “Sir, if you don’t leave on your own, I’ll call security. You’ve got about 5 seconds to make up your mind.” Dex shook his head and gave me the sorriest face he could muster up.

“Fine. I’ll be in the waiting room.”

That’s when I really lost it and the nurse took one look at me and realized that I was scared. “No, you’ll be leaving the premises. It’s clear that she doesn’t want you here. Leave now, before I call security to have you escorted off the premises.”

The look on his face truly showed that Dex couldn’t believe that he was being asked to leave. He shrugged his shoulders and nodded.

“You know that I love you. I refuse to believe that we are done. We can work this out, Cara.”

As soon as he was gone, the nurse was at my side. “Is he the reason that you’re here? Did you hit you?”

“No.” The nurse cocked her head to the side in disbelief. “I’m telling the truth. We were having an argument, he grabbed my arm and I fell when I tried to pull away.”

She shook her head at me. “Sweetheart, that’s the way it always begins. Once a man puts his hands on you, it will only get worse. Is there anyone you can call?”

I shook my head. “I don’t have my cell,” I said, remembering that he’d had it last and it had gotten water-soaked. The nurse reached into the pocket of her uniform and handed me hers.

“Call a friend or family member. Do yourself that favor. I’ll be back soon.”

As her cell burned a hole in my hand, I thought hard about who I could call.

And only one person came to mind.

Cara

Continuation: M is for “Manipulate”

All Rights Reserved ©2018 Marquessa Matthews. 

*TRIGGER WARNING*
*Please skip this installment if scenes of verbally abusive language and intimidating behaviours may trigger you.*

“I WON’T ASK YOU AGAIN! WHO THE FUCK IS MICHAEL?!!!”

My heart raced and I couldn’t find my words. There I was, cowered against the shower wall, naked and being towered over by Dex’s 6’5 muscular frame.

“What are you talking about?! I don’t know anyone called Michael!”

Dex backed away, grabbed my robe from behind the door and threw it at me. He was behaving like a freaking lunatic.

“Fucking LIAR! Get out of the shower NOW!”

He stormed out, leaving the door wide open, leaving me to wonder if I should lock myself in the bathroom and call someone for help. But Dex still had my cell and even if I did have it, who would I have called?

No one.

I hustled to put on the robe and scurried out of the bathroom to find Dex sitting at the kitchen table with an apple and a large knife laying in front of him. My fear kicked into high gear.

Okay, so right about now, I need to tell you three things right now…

One – Dex never ate fruit. No matter how full the fruit basket on my kitchen counter was, Dex refused to eat any kind of fruit. So an apple in front of him was totally out of place. Two – even if Dex wanted to peel that apple before eating it, the knife was way too large for such a small task. Three – in the minute it had taken me to get from the bathroom to the kitchen, Dex had calmed down.

He was too calm.

He motioned for me to sit down and I did.

“I’m going to ask you again Cara? Who the fuck is Michael?” His voice was quiet and even unlike mine that sounded like a shrill to my own ears.

“I told you. I don’t know any guy called Michael!!!”

I was telling the God honest truth but my heart was racing as if I were lying. He slide my cell across the table to me.

“Your cell rang, I answered it and …”

“You took my cell out of my purse and answered it?” I couldn’t hide the surprise in my voice. I was dumbfounded at his lack of boundaries. But instead of looking embarrassed, Dex stared straight at me as if I was the one with the problem.

“Yeah, I did. If you have nothing to hide, why would you have a problem with that Cara?”

“I…I don’t…”

“Be quiet for once and let me talk, will you? Like I was saying, your cell rang, I answered it but the person hung up after I answered. So I called back and he said his name was Michael.”

I couldn’t believe that he had called the number back. “Maybe it was a wrong number! I told you that I don’t know anyone called Michael!”

Dex picked up the knife and carefully started peeling the skin from the apple. He seemed totally mesmerized by the slow and deliberate movements of the knife in is hand stripping the skin from the apple as thinly as possible. I found myself holding my breath as I watched the precision in his peeling.

“Before you lie to me again, think before you speak. Think hard before you say another word…because Michael knows you,” he warned me as if I were a child.

I looked at the call log on the phone and stared at the number that had called. I realized that it did look familiar. But when I scrolled through my contacts, I found nothing. Then I glanced through my memo app where I sometimes jotted numbers down. That’s when I realized that “Michael” was really “Mikaël” (with a hard “k”), a new guy on my work team with whom I had exchanged numbers but hadn’t put in my contacts yet. The numbers were a match.

“Oh, that’s Mikaël! Not Michael. He’s the new guy in my division at work.”

Dex continued peeling the apple slow and deliberately until it was clean. Then, he placed the apple on the table and twirled the knife in his hand. I swallowed hard, not knowing what else to say. All I knew was that I had to stay calm.

“In other words, you lied.”

“No, the way you said his name wasn’t the right pronounciation…”

Dex raised his palm to signal that I should stop talking. And I did.

“Michael, Mikaël, I don’t give a fuck how this dick’s name is pronounced. You think you’re so much smarter than me, don’t you? What I want to know is how long you’ve been fucking him.”

I had no clue what to say. I wasn’t sleeping with anyone besides Dex.

“I’m not! Are you crazy? Why would you think that?”

“Oh, I’m not crazy. What’s crazy is you thinking that I haven’t noticed changes in you, like how you come in late from work and head straight for the shower.” The redness of Dex’s neck crept up to his face as he continued to stare at me. “I’m thinking that this prick is the reason you’re always late. You’re fucking him and need to get the smell of him off of you…”

“No, that’s not true…”

Dex threw the perfectly peeled apple into the trash and gently laid the knife down on the table in front of him. Then he leaned in to give me his full attention.

Remember when I said that I’d seen Dex’s Frankenstein in the car the day of the barbecue? Well, this calm version of Frankenstein was much, much scarier.

“I barely know the guy…”

Dex leaned in closer until his face was just inches away from mine. For the umpteenth time within those few minutes, I was truly afraid that he would physically hurt me.

“I always knew that you were too good to be true Cara. And now I know that you aren’t. You’re no different than any of those other lying sluts I’ve been with.”

I took a deep breath, stood up and feigned courage. “You need to get a grip and leave Dex! You’re not being rational! You need to leave!”

Dex reached over for the knife and slammed it down hard into the middle of the table. The tip of the knife sank deep enough into the wood that it was left standing on its own. In that moment, my world stopped and he just stared at me. Then, he raised himself from his chair and grabbed my arm hard. I was scared and all I could think was how long could I go without breathing.

“If you’ve been whoring around on me, there will be hell to pay for you and for that prick,” he said and glanced over at the knife.

I wrenched my arm from him with such force and backed away. But with the force of my pull, I stumbled and fell backwards. My head slammed against the fridge before I slide down its length and ended up as a crying crumpled mess on the floor. The back of my head burned with the impact and the last thing I remembered was Dex standing over me with a sneer on his face looking pleased with himself.

Cara

Continuation: L is for “Lines Crossed”

All Rights Reserved ©2018 Marquessa Matthews. 

So…

It looks like a few of you have found my blog. It’s a good thing that I’m writing this anonymously because some of you are NOT being understanding at all. And calling me an idiot won’t change the past.

There is no use in telling me what I should have done because obviously, I didn’t. If I had known better, I would have done better, right?

I know that it sounds like my head was screwed on backwards but Dex did such a great job bringing me down, I felt hopeless and helpless.

If you have never felt that way, good for you (yeah, I’m being sarcastic). But if you’re going to post such harsh comments, do me a favor – stop reading what I’m posting, okay?!

But I’m going to continue telling my story for those who actually “get me”…okay?

Okay.

The day I decided to break things off with Dex was the night that I landed in the hospital.

But first let me tell you what led up to all of that…

I spent almost an entire week staying late at the office so that I could have some “Dex Free space” to seriously think about breaking up with him. You see, by then, Dex had become a semi-permanent presence in my condo even though he had his own apartment, even down to having toiletries and an emergency Epipen in my bathroom. As a peace offering and to prove that I trusted him, I had foolishly given him an access card to my building so that he could come and go as he pleased, something that turned out to be a very bad decision.

Remember when I said that I had been misplacing and losing things like my keys, cell and birth control pills? Yeah, you can guess that what was really happening…it was all him trying to make me bonkers. But I’m getting off topic…

Though staying late after work gave me time to think, Dex’s constant deluge of texts and phone calls asking me what I was working on, why I was late again and when I would be home convinced me.

There were no more maybes. I had to cut Dex loose no matter how much my heart begged me not to do it.

You won’t believe me when I say this but Dex had this uncanny way of reading my thoughts. Sometimes, I really did think that he had the super power to read my mind and know what I was going to do before I could even do it.

I’m not kidding.

That night, Dex read my mind. The moment I walked through my door, it was as though Dex could smell my decision to dump him. He sat watching tv, an open box of pizza sitting on my antique coffee table, a place he knew I wouldn’t want an oily pizza box to be. But I chose to ignore it. I threw my purse onto the couch, gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and went to the fridge to grab a bottle of water.

All the while, I felt his eyes roaming suspiciously over my body. I braced myself for the interrogation I knew would come…

“What’s going on with you and work? You’ve been late all week and you haven’t spent any quality time with me Cara.”

Yeah, you’re so accustomed to my world revolving around you that my career is getting in the way too now?

Though it was a lie, I re-explained what I had already told him on the phone – that I had a deadline on a project to meet.

“Those people are working you like a slave. They don’t appreciate you. If others aren’t pulling their weight, grow a backbone for once and speak up. Don’t let them walk all over you.”

So… it’s okay for me to grow a backbone and speak up at work but when I use my voice with you, you go ballistic?

Again, I re-explained that no one at work was walking over me and that I was just fine.

“If you are going to keep doing these kinds of extra hours, we’re going to have a problem. You’re not putting enough energy into us and I know that you know it.” At that point, Dex was looking intensely into my eyes like that first night we had met at the bistro. It was as though he was peering into my soul and knew that I had reached my limit with him – that I was done and he would soon be history.

“I’m going to take a shower Dex. It’s been a long day.”

Before he could assault me with more questions, I headed straight to the bathroom and took a long hot shower to relax and settle my nerves. As the hot water poured over my body, my mind raced about when it would be best to pull the plug on him.

After dinner? Maybe tomorrow at a neutral location where he couldn’t make a scene?

I was still thinking about it when I heard Dex yelling my name as his loud heavy steps approached the bathroom door. Before I could even respond, the door flew open and with the whoosh of air that came with it, the shower curtain stuck my naked body. When Dex wrenched the shower curtain open, I screamed with shock.

His dark eyes were wide and crazy-looking as he shoved my cell phone at me and it quickly became a victim of a steady stream of hot water that was still pouring down from the shower head. My back was now plastered against the cold ceramic tiles of the shower.

“WHO THE FUCK IS MICHAEL?!”

Maya Angelou once wrote that “jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.”

Well, my food was way past spoiled and that was the beginning of what had already ended for me.

I’ll finish telling you about this tomorrow. And remember, if you’re going to be judgmental, I don’t want to hear it…

Cara

Continuation: K is for “Knife”

All Rights Reserved ©2018 Marquessa Matthews. 

Disclaimer: I have no copyrights to the song and/or video and/or hyperlinks to songs and/or videos and/or gifs above. No copyright infringement intended.

His tight death grip on my arm as we left the barbecue…

His crazy accusations at the top of his lungs…

The twinkle in his eye at my fear when he almost veered the car into the median….

Even now as I write this, just thinking about that look of imperceptible glee on Dex’s face makes me sick to my stomach…

Over the weeks that passed after the incident, I tried, tried and tried to forget about it but my mind kept flashing back to that day. The one and only other time I brought up “the incident” after the coffeeshop, Dex accused me of harbouring resentment and purposely choosing not to get past it.

Stupid me tried even harder to prove him wrong and put more effort into showing him just how much I loved him. I won’t lie to you. I willfully ignored how our minor disagreements easily blew up into major blowouts on his end.

We settled into a ridiculous pattern of him accusing me of antagonizing, followed by me trying to convince him that it wasn’t the case. Then, Dex would say something hurtful about my family, my lack of common sense or the weight I had gained (from my stress eating). I would get upset and refuse to speak with him, sometimes for days, until he begged for forgiveness and morphed back into the man I had fallen in love with.

And when he morphed back, it was like when things were good between us. Each and every time, we would make up with amazingly crazy and wicked good sex that felt awesome in the moment but left me feeling hollow deep in my soul.

It was a dark and hollow vicious circular pattern.

You see, my gut knew better but my heart didn’t.

I know what you’re thinking – How could I be such an idiot, right? Why would an intelligent professional woman put up with his shit?

Yeah, I know, I know – I asked myself those same questions at least a thousand times after I smartened up for real. But like a fool, I thought that my love for him could conquer all. But it didn’t.

Love DOES NOT conquer all.

It was only until later that I realized I shouldn’t have overlooked his demeaning criticisms whenever he was mad. I shouldn’t have ceased, desisted and let him have his way. I shouldn’t have watched my words when I wasn’t sure what kind of a mood he was in.

I should have bailed when the stress of it all started playing tricks on my mind.I truly thought that I was losing my marbles…

When I brought up certain conversations Dex and I had had, he would tell me that he had no clue what I was talking about. When I bought us some fancy peanut butter and chocolate covered pastries for dessert one afternoon, he accused me of not caring enough to remember that anything with peanuts could kill him if he didn’t have his epipen handy. He stormed out when I insisted that he had never ever told me about it. I went from being a highly organized woman to someone who misplaced important items like my cell and my car keys. I would search high and low for them, only to have them reappear in the weirdest of places that I was certain I had already looked.

But I really knew that I was losing touch with reality when my birth control pills vanished and I couldn’t find them for days. Dex and I had a huge blowout because I refused to make love without that added layer of protection. Was it strange coincidence that he started insisting that we stop using condoms altogether because he didn’t like the “feel” of them anyways?

“Stop being so uptight! What’s the big deal? We love each other. Would it be so bad if we had a happy accident?”, he insisted.

I held my ground and refused to have sex with him until I could refill my prescription. But I never needed that refill. You see, my pills somehow magically turned up in the medicine cabinet – a place where I never put them but had already checked.

That was the day I suddenly realized that I had absolutely no one to talk to. No friend to call and get it out of your system. No one to grab a coffee with and just pour out my soul to.

No one.

There was no way I could talk to my “old-country” parents and get an earful of “I told you so’s”. It was bad enough that I had “shamed” them by buying my own condo and moving out without being married first. Yes, “shame” because to them, moving out as a single woman could only mean one thing – I had plans of not only having a revolving door of men in and out of my place but also in and out of my lady parts.

I had let all of my friends fall by the wayside for Dex. Samantha was like a stranger to me now. I had isolated myself into my own little world of Dex, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week because he demanded no less than my full attention. And I had given it to him.

As I write this, I can’t even think of one of Abuela’s sayings. I mean, I don’t think that any of her advice could fit how alone, isolated and incompetent I felt at not being able to make Dex back into the good man I knew he could be.

Cara

Continuation: J is for “Jealous”

All Rights Reserved ©2018 Marquessa Matthews. 

Apologetic phone calls.

Please forgive me texts.

Flower deliveries that almost melted my resolve…

Until I had flashbacks to how scared I had been during that last car ride with him. The only reason Dex hadn’t turned up at my door was because my condo building had security and Dex didn’t have a swipe card.

I refused to talk to him for an entire week before I finally agreed to meet him at a coffee shop around the corner after work. But then again, I really had no choice when he texted and said that he would turn up at my job if I didn’t see him.

I wasn’t looking forward to it but if we were going to break up, I preferred to pull that band-aid off quickly rather than slowly. Of course, I loved him but I couldn’t shake the pit in the bottom of my stomach that constantly sat there.

When I arrived at the coffee shop, Dex was already sitting at a table for two looking like he hadn’t slept in days. He had a cup of coffee in front of him and a mug of what looked like my favorite tea waiting for me. As he rose from his chair to greet me, I noticed the single red rose in his hand.

“Hey babe.”

When he leaned in for a kiss, my body bristled and I sat down to avoid his lips. He sighed, sat down and placed the rose in front of me. I didn’t touch it – I didn’t need to be pricked again.

“I’m sorry Cara. About everything. Making you leave the barbecue early, my behaviour in the car, scaring you like that…I’m sorry for all of it. You need to forgive and forget so that we can fix this and get back to being “us”.”

“Are you for real? How can I forget how you said that you were going to crash the car and then you almost did! What is so wrong with you that you would say and do something like that?! I let strangers drive me home!” ”

“I know, I know! I was drunk and a total asshole. I’m sorry. I can’t say it enough. You know how much I love you! And seeing you talking with your ex and ignoring me…”

“Jake is not my ex! We were nothing more than friends in high school…”

“I was jealous. I couldn’t help it. I felt so humiliated. It looked like you were enjoying his attention and that you were ignoring me on purpose.”

“That is utterly ridiculous! Not only was I not ignoring you, Jake was not flirting. He has a girlfriend.”

There was deathly long pause before either of us spoke. That’s when I saw the tears forming in Dex’s eyes.

“Cara, to be honest, being with you makes me feel like I’m not good enough for you.” His tears and his words totally confused me and it must have shown on my face. “You have your shit together. You’re gorgeous, you’re climbing the ladder in your career, you own your own condo, you travel to great places…You’ve got a great relationship with your family and good friends…I don’t have all of that. I sometimes wonder what you see in me and it scares me. But you love me and that’s all I need.”

And just like that…BAM! My heart melted, my eyes were tearing up too and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach disappeared.

Yes, in our first weeks together, Dex had told me about how being adopted had always made him feel insecure. It didn’t help that his rocky relationship with his family was very strained and he rarely saw them. It was the reason why he didn’t have many friends and had a tendency to keep people at arm’s length…except me.

I couldn’t bear to see him hurting and before I knew it, I was holding his hand and he was kissing me.

“Hmm…” He growled into my mouth. “I almost forgot how fucking sweet you taste. Let’s take this home.”

The only thing cold between us was his cup of coffee and tea that we left untouched on that coffeeshop table before rushing back to my place.

Cara

Continuation: I is for “Isolation”

All Rights Reserved ©2018 Marquessa Matthews.