#ThoughtfulTuesday: What You May Not Understand…

I haven’t written a post for my “From Where I Sit” feature for a while so here goes…

You may have heard about the recent “Dove ad” controversy and if not, you can Google it or click here for a general idea.

It was quite interesting to read social media comments that varied from “That ad is racist and I’m boycotting the company” to “In what world is that ad offensive? Get a grip you over-politically correct people!

Whether the ad was insensitive, offensive or racist, that’s up to you to decide.

However, for those of you who don’t see how the ad could possibly be disrespectful, I’m sharing a few experiences to show from where some of the controversy may come.

People may not understand about:

  • that little boy in my kindergarden class (who had probably never seen a Black person before) who turned up his nose in disgust and asked me why I came to school “dirty” right before scraping his finger along my arm to see how much “dirt” would come off;
  • my second grade teacher who had no shame in saying how “brown” and “black” people were stupid and smelled back (I was the “black” one, the “brown” boy was from Indian descent and believe me, the only unshowered stink came from her); or
  • the next door neighbor girls who would call me “caca” through our chain link fence for years and years.

But as a child, I understood that I was seen as “less than” and dirty because of the color of my skin.

People may not understand about:

  • a loser classmate in high school who would sit behind me to pull on my braids and call me “Medusa” (until I introduced him to my fist);
  • growing up bombarded by ads and messaging that reinforced that the only path to “pretty” was having blond hair and blue eyes; or
  • not being able to buy basic make-up for my skin tone because “skin tone” color had nothing to do with me.

But as a teenager, I accepted that I had to live with being “ugly” because I would never meet the impossible beauty standard plastered in magazines, on billboards and on television.

People may also not understand the reality of being “complimented” on how you are “pretty for a Black girl” or having someone touch your hair without your permission to see if it’s real (because if it’s long it must be a weave) like you’re some kind of object unworthy of boundaries.

But as a grown woman and having endured those kinds of experiences as an early backdrop to my life, I quickly noticed the “issue” with the Dove ad, as did my 79 year old mother and 16 year old niece when I showed it to them.

At face value and for many, the Dove ad is…quiet.

But for others, it speaks volumes and is a reminder of the false truths we learned about “black” being “unclean”, “unworthy”, “dirty” and “not ideal”.

You see, if you had experienced just a tiny bit of what I’vr shared with you, your eyes may also have caught the image of a Black woman bathing the ‘black” off to get “clean” and “pretty”…

From where I sit and through my brown eyes, that is what lies behind the controversy.

All Rights Reserved ©2017 Marquessa Matthews

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“Most Black People Like Rap Music ” (2015) #race #blogger

Originally published on July 8, 2015

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“What do you mean that you don’t like rap music?”

He sounds truly amazed at my statement.

I, on the other hand, am getting more and more annoyed with his small talk.

My friend’s neighbour is leaning on the frame of his door chatting me up because he has nothing better to do. I’m on my knees, trying to fix the lock on my friend’s door. It’s really hot, sweat is pouring down my back and the booming base of rap music blaring from the building next door is getting on my last nerve.

“Yup, that’s what I said. I don’t like rap music.”

My hand slips as I try to keep the lock balanced in place and everything, including my screwdriver, crashes to the floor.

“How can you not like rap? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?”

I stop mid-reach to the items that had fallen.

Now, I can’t help myself and I look at him. I wipe the sweat from above my lip with my less-than clean hand.

Did he seriously just say that to me?

“What do you mean?” I need him to clarify before I decide what next to say.

“You’re Black and you don’t like rap? That’s pretty weird. Most Black people like rap.”

I feel my face getting hot and it’s not from the heat of the beautiful summer day. I see this conversation going in a number of different directions, most of them not good. And getting angry is at the top of my short list of options since I’m not in the greatest of moods.

But in looking at him, I can see that he genuinely believes what he is saying and isn’t being mean. And he isn’t trying to be stupid.

Well, at least not on purpose.

What is more surprising to me is that we are the same age and that he has such old-style stereotypical thinking. Then again, there is no age limit on the type of stereotypes a person can hold.

I choose to go a softer route, especially since his kids are home. I’d heard from my friend that his kids are so constantly confined to his apartment that the noone realized that children lived in the small building.

I pick up my screwdriver, determined to get the lock fixed so that I can escape the conversation. I put my focus back on the task at hand and talk as I do.

“Well, then I guess that I’m not most Black people. How many White friends do you have?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Lots.”

“Ok and out of all those White friends, how many of them like rap music?”

“Oh, lots of them do. But I personally hate it.”

“And how many Black friends do you have?”

He hesitates before answering. I can tell that he is not trying to stall with his answer, he’s just trying to count the number out in his head.

“I’d say 2 or 3.”

“Do they all like rap?”

“Uh, no.”

I try to remind myself that we all come from different backgrounds and experiences. The last thing I want to do is make him feel stupid. And I’m not interested in schooling anyone today so I choose my words carefully and decide to make a light joke out of it.

“In your circle, it sounds like your White friends like rap music more than your Black friends. So it sounds to me like you should be the one looking in the mirror.”

He cocks his head to one side, contemplating what I just said.

“That’s funny. You may be right.”

He seems to have caught the undercurrent of my message – if you are going to generalize, at least do it based on your own personal experience.

We hear a loud crash from inside his apartment and then crying. He turns to head inside.

Peace.

Finally.

But just before he closes his door, he turns to me.

“Are you sure that you don’t like rap music?”

It takes all my energy to mask my frustration.

Very sure.”

©2015 Marquessa Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

 

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No Strokes For Different Folks #microaggressions 

This is clearly not me…taken from and credit to: https://giphy.com/gifs/hannahbronfman-hannah-bronfman-3og0IAsEcf8EfYAAUw

I’m rolling my eyes at the fact that I felt the need to write this this “disclaimer” as an intro…

This post is NOT intended to call anyone “ignorant”. It’s to raise awareness about how uncomfortable people can feel when seemingly harmless things are said and done to them, oftentimes by people who don’t mean any harm and don’t realize how their actions are being received.

But when we know better, we do better right?

That is the objective of this post.

Hopefully that was clear because I’m climbing onto my soapbox now…

This could have been included in yesterday’s “Pet Peeves” but I felt that it deserved its own post. 

In my “Life of Pie” – 12 Totally Random Things You Never Needed To Know About Me” post, I told you that sometimes people I barely know have gotten into my personal space and have touched my “_____”, taking me off guard before I could even react.

In that post, I purposely left it blank so that you could guess. Some of you guessed right and some of you guessed …not right.

Well, as luck would have it, someone who knew exactly what I was referring to in that post forwarded me a real-life example of my #12.

Take a look:

Disclaimer: I have no copyrights to the song and/or video and/or hyperlinks to songs and/or videos and/or gifs above. No copyright infringement intended.

I cringed the moment I saw that outstretched hand…

It boggles my mind why some people think that it’s “okay” to cross that personal boundary, physically touch someone they may barely know and even sometimes go so far as to glide their hands over another person.

How would those same individuals like it if someone they barely knew stroked them?

I don’t care if the gesture is meant to be a compliment – do not touch me without my permission.

I repeat – I. Do. Not. Care. No. Touching.

Yes, that woman looks amazing at 53. And I’ll even let that co-host’s words slide this time (because it’s an entirely different conversation).

But the touching?

Uhhhh…no, no, no.

There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. Don’t do it. Not everyone will be as polite as the woman in this video. Recoiling like a snake while giving you my “subway” face has been my go-to move for years now because it’s been much more effective than being “polite” by pretending to be okay with it.

Oh…the stories I could share with you but I won’t.

As food for thought, I’m leaving you with a link to “21 Racial Microaggressions You Hear On A Daily Basis“. If you don’t have time to read, the photos speak volumes.

Microaggressions are not limited to “race”. There are many that abound related to gender and sexuality too…

Okay, I’m climbing off my soapbox now. My rant is over. 🙂

All Rights Reserved ©2017 Marquessa Matthews

 

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#Showcase Sunday: “My Black Son’s Heritage” | Anne Marie Aikins @femwriter #black #race

 

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https://pixabay.com/en/black-history-freedmen-s-bureau-1134166/

As I was going through my paper decluttering process as part of my 52 Things In 52 Weeks challenge, I came across a folder of old magazine clippings I had kept aside because they were well written and thought-provoking.

The one you see below is from a Maclean’s magazine in 2001 (yes, 2001) and is share-worthy. It may be “old” but much of it is still quite relevant today.

Like I said in a previous post, I find that lessons about race that sometimes have the most impact can come from those not in brown or black skin.

Note: This is a scan of that article. I’m posting it with the permission of Ms. Anne Marie Aikins – @femwriter

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